Bride Guide & Party Planner
Left to right: The author's aunt Jeanette Studley, stepbrother Greg Bennett, stepsister
Laura Bennett, his father's wife, Anne Bennett, his father, Paul Pickard, and the author,
Duncan Pickard.
Making Sense of Love: A son reflects on his father's wedding
By Duncan Pickard - March 22, 2007
No longer is love is bound by time, or measured by hair loss or waist size. For many reasons having to do with careers and the divorce rate, it's become the age of the middle-aged marriages and blended families.
My parents, who divorced when I was in eighth grade, had what would be considered a good divorce. They had split up more than once during a two-year period, so their final separation was gradual although still difficult. It helped that my parents shared a collegial if not exactly cordial relationship that extended beyond the responsibilities of sharing parenting duties.
Theirs was nothing like how divorces are usually portrayed in popular culture with high drama, and acrimonious vengeful exes who initiate alimony battles. So it doesn't sound right to me when my dad refers to my mom as his "ex."
But I still had to adjust to sharing two different homes, each for a week at a time. I had to survive weekly check-ins with parents legitimately concerned with how I was coping, and wrestle with understanding what lynchpin broke in my parents' relationship and where I fit into that disconnect.
I was enthralled with Anne Bennett the first time I met her at my father's house. She came over to cook dinner with my dad (they share a culinary as well as a romantic relationship), and if there's any way to make a good impression on an adolescent boy, it's through his taste buds.
Anne, always well intentioned, took a practical approach to me and my high school life. She has two children older than I, and would frequently drop bits of advice that she found were helpful to her kids. She encouraged me to work for the school newspaper freshman year. She was trying to be nice, but it annoyed me when she compared my life to that of her kids. Around Christmas when my dad was considering going without a tree, Anne said: "Well you can't do that! Of course Duncan will want one! My kids always did." Actually, I didn't really care, but I said I did. What kid doesn't want a Christmas tree?
Anne is a different person than my mom, and living with her changed things. Unfortunately for her, teenagers often resist changes for no particular reason other than because they want things kept the same.
I was a sophomore in high school, and she and her two kids questioned why I didn't go out on the weekends, or why my dad and I preferred to watch a Civil War documentary on Channel 2 instead of a contemporary movie.
Anne prefers Faith Hill to the Rolling Stones, Gourmet magazine to the New York Times, Fox News to ESPN. Although it really was nice to see how happy Anne and my dad were together, I have to admit I didn't like having her cat move in with us - an unwelcome pet who used to spar with my dog.
The Wedding
But soon I began to appreciate the contentment Anne has brought to my dad. He was never that happy when he was single. It is easy to see how well she and my dad fit together, and easier to overlook the irrelevant things that used to bother me.
My dad was businesslike in announcing the engagement. He called me on my cell phone in November and let me know the wedding would take place in January during the long holiday vacation so that Anne's kids and I would be on break from college. "Anne and I are getting married on January 6." Done. (And my mom is engaged to be married soon, too.)
In January, my dad Paul, 57, married Anne, 56, in a small ceremony in our living room. The ceremony was beautiful. Friends and family of the bride and the groom - about 30 altogether - crowded into the living room. The bride and groom looked impressive as they stood together.
I can see how joyful both my parents are in their respective relationships, so I realize that their splitting up was the right thing to do. The pressure to accept, settle, and adjust to an unhappy marriage has been lifted by love's common sense.
Maybe it was the comfort level each has with the other, but both my dad and Anne brought an air of confidence to the ceremony - nothing resembling the stereotypical jitteriness of two 20-somethings. When the minister cued my dad to say "I do," he said instead, "Absolutely," and smiled broadly. It wasn't what Anne was expecting, but she took it with good humor. During her vows, she grinned and said, "I'm a traditionalist, so I'll just say 'I do.'"
And they kissed and proclaimed their love, looking just the way newlyweds should.
Duncan Pickard is a graduate of Martha's Vineyard Regional High School and in his freshman year at Tufts University.
